How honoring your loved one brings connection, and how connection eases the pain

Today, as I commemorate the 17th anniversary of the passing of my father according to the Hebrew calendar, otherwise known as the Yahrtzeit, I find myself enlightened in a way I have not been in past years. The Yahrtzeit for a departed loved one is believed to be an opportunity to raise that individuals soul in heaven. It is believed that all we do in their honor, and specifically remembering the day of their passing, is a way to facilitate that ascent to higher levels. But this year I suddenly came to the realization that what this process has done for me in this life, is very possibly equally or even more important.

My father, Rabbi Nardus Groen, was a great man. And while many people judge greatness differently, my father’s life covered so many different aspects that one would be hard pressed not to see his greatness. Nardus Groen was a husband, a parent, a scholar, and a fighter. I have written much about my perceptions and understandings of who he was, and feel tremendously blessed to have had him as a father. I find myself motivated to write this today not merely because this is his Yahrtzeit, but because of the impact this Yahrtzeit has had on me, and the lesson it’s taught me. One that is equally valuable for everyone when it comes to the matter of loss.

As I sat in synagogue last night, preparing to say the Kaddish prayer in sanctification of his memory, I realized how close I felt to him. It was then that I realized that even for the more skeptical amongst us who question the concept of the raising of a departed soul to a higher level, the Yahrtzeit offers us an incredibly valuable and meaningful opportunity to stay connected with those we have lost.

The Jewish world has seen loss over this past year with a devastation not seen since the Holocaust. The October 7th terrorist attack and subsequent war in Israel has made families mourn in a way beyond the normal circle of life. My father passed away at 87. As sad as it was for me, his death was not tragic. But too many of our Jewish brothers and sisters are not only mourning, they are dealing with a tragedy most never have to experience. I hope the lesson I learned this year in honoring my father helps some of them and others who have experienced tragic loss beyond the situation in Israel to move forward in their lives. That lesson is, that in honoring the memory of those we love and have lost, whether we believe in their ascent in heaven or not, we stay connected to them. While so many suffering loss want to get past the pain, the one thing everyone remembering a loved one never wants to do is to forget them. By honoring them we stay connected, and in staying connected we ultimately ease the pain caused by their vacuum, and we never forget them.

In honor and memory of my father, Rabbi Nardus Groen, I wish all of you suffering the pain caused by loss, the good fortune of staying connected with them, and having that connection ultimately replace the pain.

This is also written in memory of Adina Openden Zehavi. May her soul be raised to the highest of levels and may God ease the pain of those feeling the devastation of her loss.

Am Yisrael Chai

Never Again is Now!

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